Arses ravaged by Cucumbers

Match week 4 rolled round and Balaga were full strength once again with the return of Kevin B from Sicily. The bronzed up defender was delighted to return to an unbeaten Tongo team who were aiming for a fourth straight victory of the season. Also returning was David W who was a doubt after a fancy-dan celebration which backfired in the prior match and left the midfielders coccyx a bit worse for wear! The starting line-up was:

Tongo got into this from the start and began to quickly take control as a half time score of 6-0 would suggest, and create a nightmare for reporting!! Balaga # 1 fan and camera man Alan Tyrrell again caught a few with that shaky Borne Supremacy style of his, but from what I remember and in no particular order… bar the first which was scored by Tom O’C from a corner, here are the goals…

The Punisher wont score many more raspers than this one. Phil O’D took a corner which was left by Parker for Tom to drive a bullet into the top corner of the keepers left. A delayed swan dive reaction from Bare-Arse’s Keeper followed but his teammates had taken the kick-off at that stage.

As mentioned, the order of goals is unknown, but a further 11 goals followed for Balaga.

4 from an inspired Phil O’D,

3 from duracell bunny Stevie P,

along with 2 each from Rory D and Webz.

Involved in most of the moves was David W who seemed none the worse for his personal problem!! Broderick made a few Carvalho style runs up the field which at least once created a goal (and it was caught on camera too!!).

Phils first was from another corner, this time Rory the provider who picked out Phil. The striker collected the pass from the right and passed it into the near post. 2-0.

Parkers first of the night was all Steve’s work. He controlled a dodgy kick out from Bare-Arses defender, turned and ran at the defence before unleashing a fine-looking right foot shot into the keepers bottom right. 3-0.

From an inside source Phil made it 3 I think, from another corner taken by Rory on left. Phil miss hit it straight at the keeper who had already dramatically dived out of the way. 4-0.

Webz got his first of the night from a move which involved Broderick and Parker who slid it through to Webz who got the faintest of touches to shove it passed the keeper at his near post. 5-0.

Webz got his second of the night after Broderick, Webz and David W all linked up in the move. Webz collected the breaking ball, passed it to Broderick who ran at the defence, passed it back to Webz. Webz found David W out the right wing, who squared it to Balaga’s top scorer for the past two seasons. Webz showed everyone why this has been the case as he delightfully back heeled (Zola style) past the keeper to make it 6-0 at half time.

The second half scoring began with unknown goals from Parker and Rory followed, with a first for Bare-Arse-Alona’s tricky little Torres to mash any hopes of Balagas first every clean sheet I think? 8-1.

Any hopes of an Arse come back was squashed by a beautiful individual effort by Rory. It began as an Arse corner kick, which ended up at Parkers feet, who first time rolled it out to Rory on the left. The MVP without looking up knew the keeper was miles off his line and calmly, first time side footed with his right past the dodgy stopper, from inside his own half. Another one for goal of the season. 9-1.

The next two came from Phil O’D, the first a peno which he calmly slotted away, followed by an absolute howler from the Arse keeper once again. Out of pure frustration, he kicked the ball right at the Balaga striker who simple slotted it pasted him. After this the keeper pulled a stroppy and walked off the pitch. 11-1.

Arse did get a second of the night with a nice tidy finish which Damo could do nothing about but perhaps the defending wasn’t up to scratch. 11-2

But the last bit of action came from Balaga and from one of the players of the night Parker. He received the ball from a David W throw, controlled it and volleyed a low right footed drive passed the stand in keeper, who swan dived mimicking his predecessor. Another great goal to top off a superb all round performance, which see’s Balaga move top of the table outright, thanks to Upsetters drawing with Callas Cowboys.