Rosies Cause Balaga To Blush

Nobody thought it possible with Balaga going 5 for 5 at the start of the Summer, but the seemingly impregnable Tongolese were shot down in their 6th game 7-3.

With O'Callaghan out for the second week in a row this time due to the MAN making him slave and with Damo's ribs taking some punishment over the weekend, FC Balaga Tongo were lacking in defensive options. With recent solid sub Skinty out due to a charity event, Sean Nicholson made his Balaga debut and Harry made his second appearance in the Black shirt, and this is how they lined out to start.



The match itself is slightly depressing to report about according to my secret sources it started off fair slow and the heads werent in it. This led to Rosies getting a 1-0 lead early enough on. Soon after this David W struck his 7th of the season latching onto a Parker corner on the right to make it 1-1. But the games wasn,t to turn and it was 2-1 to Rosies within minutes a breakway catching out the back line. But Balaga were pegging th egoals back and it was Sean who got a goal on his debut to make it 2-2, shooting at the goal and Webz and somehow probably through sheer daycentness it went in.

Then though Rosies got the lead again and for the rest of the match they were able to take their chances and make use of the lack of organisation within the Balaga ranks. Half time came and went quickly with little talk which wasn't to anyone benefit. "Captain" O'Callaghan turned up half way through the first half but had no gear (FOOL). So with players playing out of position and Harry the only player to really want to stay back. And it was this that let Balaga down as the Midfield was allover the place as well having nahhh shape. Rosies notched up seven in total as Rory picked up what turned out to be a consolation goal. Another free kick from the dead ball master though, and a spark of entertainment for the 7 strong crowd!!! A game where lessons were hopefully learned and will open the eyes of Tongolese that the season isn't over yet and they are going to have to give it all to pick up some silverware.

Mercer did Balaga a big favour though beating previous second spot holders the Upsetters 2-1. Bottom of the league scrap between Bare-Arse and Auto Parts ended up in a 9-5 thriller to the Arses. and in the last game next opponents DouglasMortage.ie beat the Cowboys 4-3, a similar result Balaga had against the Cowboys in gameweek one.

This leaves Balaga still top by 3 points but with a chasing pack of 4teams in contention there will be no resting on any laurels.

ALLEZ LES CONCUMBRES, VIVA LOS BALAGAS, and chin up govnaaaahs.

Team Photo Summer 2009

Insert: Kevin B
Back L-R: Rory B, Dave W, Damo K, Skinty
Front L-R: Webz K, Steve P, Tom O'C, Phil O'D, John D

Balaga stand up-2-setters

With captain Tom O’C gone to Barcelona on some Jimmy Hill festival, Balaga found themselves with just 1 outright defender in Kev.

Deano still hadn’t returned from his ankle injury and is feared missing, so stand in captains and Phil and Kev had a busy few days trying to find replacements for not only Tom, but also Parker who had to pull out the morning of the game and Damo wasn’t 100% sure if he could make the game either as petrol prices aren’t what they used to be. A few hundred frantic texts, gchats and calls later, Balaga had 3 players confirmed. Skinty was back for his 2nd game for the Cucumbers, along with Jonesy and a debut for Harry who Rory recommended.


This was a match that Balaga had been waiting a while for and perhaps the inclusion of 3 relatively new players wasn’t the best preparation, although any fears of this were quickly forgotten. Also, to the relief of the cucumbers, Damo was available to play. Balaga’s formation was:



The last time these two teams met, Deano, broke an ankle, the time before that Damo had to be taken to hospital for a head injury, through no fault of the Upsetters though. They just seemed to be a bogey team for Tongo. The need for rocket scientists to figure out why these two teams were 1st and 2nd wasn’t needed as a bright start by both teams seemed to suggest a tight game was in store. Both had early chances, Rory threw a ball in to Kev who struck it on the half volley and more surprisingly kept it down only for an Upsetters defender to clear off the line.

GOAL!!! The deadlock was finally broke and it went Balaga’s way. A shot taken by Phil or Rory or someone struck a crowd of players in the Setters box, and appeared to strike Webz in the hand, in fact he appeared to hold the ball, turn, drop it and score. Either way, the ref didn’t appear to take any notice and Balaga found themselves 1-0 up.

Upsetters began to step up the pressure but Kev, Harry and defensive midfielder Phil appeared to have things under control. The inclusion of Harry was a masterstroke for Balaga as not only was he a constant communicator but his Rory Delap style throw ins were causing problems for the Upsetters. Previous encounters between these two teams generally went against Balaga as they couldn’t handle the strength of the opposition, but Wednesdays match was different. Everyone seemed to be up for the battle on the Tongo team.

GOAL!!! The second goal, began with a fast corner taken by Dave to Phil in the peno spot. His shot was blocked off the line and webz was on hand to flick it in. Balaga couldn’t have wished for a better start to the game. 2-0

GOAL!!! The upsetters aren’t quitters though and soon found themselves with a goal back. A quick break found Balaga with just 2 back against 3 and a clever ball out Balaga’s right found a man in space. The shot was across the goals to Damo’s left and as the keeper made an attempt to save it he appeared to injure himself again.

Was history going to repeat itself? Luckly for Balaga, they had both Kev and Skinty on hand to play in goals if needed, but Damo refused to go off and luckly for Balaga he didn’t, as he produced his best ever game for the cucumbers in a man of the match performance, to banish any thought of the last encounter between the two teams. Skinty came on for Broderick soon afterwards and slotted in perfectly into the defence, and made a great clearance off the line just as the half time whistle was blown.

The sequence of goals is unknown for the second half but with a helping hand from Dave here goes:

“I cant even remember my first, i think rory passed my it after we burst out of attack doing a one two....i was so happy about winning i cant even remember”. 3-1

“One of rorys was on the right wing and a hard low rocket in to the left corner”. 4-1

“my second goal was a throw in from phil which bounced weird in the box and it landed at my feet to flick it in to the right corner”. 5-1

Upsetters got a second in between this somewhere and Rory got another 2 to make the final score 7-2 to Balaga. A tough match was had by all including the 3 new players drafted in. Joneys high and strength were a great help to Balaga as they were able to hit a few high balls up front or to midfield when he moved back. Kev had a torrid time with that striker they have, with the two of them swinging handbags for most of the second half. Phil commanded the midfield and really stepped up to the mark. Dave who smelt like he just crawled out of a deep heat bath ran all over the park and even with that sore back, managed to score 2 goals and set up a few. Rory was his usual brilliant self, scoring a hat-trick, and webz played his heart out as he always does, getting tackles in all over the park and banging in two goals. Harry and Skinty played like they were seasoned Balaga pros and last but not least, Damo had a blinder between the sticks and deserves man of the match for some brilliant one on one saves in the second half.

That victory takes Balaga 5 points clear at the top as Mercer failed to take the opportunity to move into second, losing the douglasmortgage.ie 6-4. A 100% record for Balaga so far, a dream start.

Arses ravaged by Cucumbers

Match week 4 rolled round and Balaga were full strength once again with the return of Kevin B from Sicily. The bronzed up defender was delighted to return to an unbeaten Tongo team who were aiming for a fourth straight victory of the season. Also returning was David W who was a doubt after a fancy-dan celebration which backfired in the prior match and left the midfielders coccyx a bit worse for wear! The starting line-up was:

Tongo got into this from the start and began to quickly take control as a half time score of 6-0 would suggest, and create a nightmare for reporting!! Balaga # 1 fan and camera man Alan Tyrrell again caught a few with that shaky Borne Supremacy style of his, but from what I remember and in no particular order… bar the first which was scored by Tom O’C from a corner, here are the goals…

The Punisher wont score many more raspers than this one. Phil O’D took a corner which was left by Parker for Tom to drive a bullet into the top corner of the keepers left. A delayed swan dive reaction from Bare-Arse’s Keeper followed but his teammates had taken the kick-off at that stage.

As mentioned, the order of goals is unknown, but a further 11 goals followed for Balaga.

4 from an inspired Phil O’D,

3 from duracell bunny Stevie P,

along with 2 each from Rory D and Webz.

Involved in most of the moves was David W who seemed none the worse for his personal problem!! Broderick made a few Carvalho style runs up the field which at least once created a goal (and it was caught on camera too!!).

Phils first was from another corner, this time Rory the provider who picked out Phil. The striker collected the pass from the right and passed it into the near post. 2-0.

Parkers first of the night was all Steve’s work. He controlled a dodgy kick out from Bare-Arses defender, turned and ran at the defence before unleashing a fine-looking right foot shot into the keepers bottom right. 3-0.

From an inside source Phil made it 3 I think, from another corner taken by Rory on left. Phil miss hit it straight at the keeper who had already dramatically dived out of the way. 4-0.

Webz got his first of the night from a move which involved Broderick and Parker who slid it through to Webz who got the faintest of touches to shove it passed the keeper at his near post. 5-0.

Webz got his second of the night after Broderick, Webz and David W all linked up in the move. Webz collected the breaking ball, passed it to Broderick who ran at the defence, passed it back to Webz. Webz found David W out the right wing, who squared it to Balaga’s top scorer for the past two seasons. Webz showed everyone why this has been the case as he delightfully back heeled (Zola style) past the keeper to make it 6-0 at half time.

The second half scoring began with unknown goals from Parker and Rory followed, with a first for Bare-Arse-Alona’s tricky little Torres to mash any hopes of Balagas first every clean sheet I think? 8-1.

Any hopes of an Arse come back was squashed by a beautiful individual effort by Rory. It began as an Arse corner kick, which ended up at Parkers feet, who first time rolled it out to Rory on the left. The MVP without looking up knew the keeper was miles off his line and calmly, first time side footed with his right past the dodgy stopper, from inside his own half. Another one for goal of the season. 9-1.

The next two came from Phil O’D, the first a peno which he calmly slotted away, followed by an absolute howler from the Arse keeper once again. Out of pure frustration, he kicked the ball right at the Balaga striker who simple slotted it pasted him. After this the keeper pulled a stroppy and walked off the pitch. 11-1.

Arse did get a second of the night with a nice tidy finish which Damo could do nothing about but perhaps the defending wasn’t up to scratch. 11-2

But the last bit of action came from Balaga and from one of the players of the night Parker. He received the ball from a David W throw, controlled it and volleyed a low right footed drive passed the stand in keeper, who swan dived mimicking his predecessor. Another great goal to top off a superb all round performance, which see’s Balaga move top of the table outright, thanks to Upsetters drawing with Callas Cowboys.

Browne Shines Again As Balaga Bash Mercer

Last Wednesday evening saw a great performance from the whole Balaga squad to get the 3 points, but its Rory Browne who received the most praise after playing out of his tanned skin.

After a 2 week hiatus for recuperation, ie champions league and long weekend boozing, Balaga Tongo proved too good for a solid Mercer outfit. Missing Kevin Broderick due to him frolicking some gaff in Italy, and with the squad heavily attack minded, management had to bring in some defensive replacements. Last seasons rookie of the year and cafu wannabe John Duggan was drafted in as cover and for his Summer testimonial before jetting off to cape cod. Skinty was also called upon at the last minute as O Callagahan was being a drama queen with his blue ankle. So the starting line up was as below...


The first half was pretty tentative, an even amount of possession id say but Mercer were making the better chances. Kennedy and the defense had this under control though for most of it but with Duggan twisting his ankle after 5 minutes the starting line up didn't last long. Parker came on to replace him, playing out of position the rugged playmaker looked like a seasoned centre half. With Skinty available and Duggans injury short term (about 15minutes before getting crippled for another 15 after crashing through the side nettingsssz) there wasn't much to worry about as not much was really happening except for Mercers nippy forward causing some problems and getting a hacking from the cucumber defenders. But alas, bammm, Mercer scored from a long range effort, Kennedy getting caught out but maybe the Mercer player should of never got his shot off!

1-0 at half time but the Tongolese were not looking worried, except webz who didn't even want his photo taken. They knew that if they got the ball down and up to the attacking palyers in a manner where they could control it, they would score.

And Score they did. A couple of minutes in Browne got the ball outside the Mercer box and fired a missile of a shot at the goal and the ball went straight between the keepers legs (who had just gone in at half time). The second followed pretty soon after, Browne again was one on one with the last defender as O'Driscoll made a run on the right to draw the defender away as Rory stepped to his left and poked it into the bottom corner... NICE... Then David W added the third as Browne was involved again - taking the ball down from a kick out - then putting the ball over about 3 feens heads with solos before squaring to David W to finish it off.

Then the fourth came as Balaga were looking unstoppable, a Balaga break away, Browne was on the ball around the half way line and with O Driscoll running into space Browne called "nuts" as he slotted the ball under the players testicles and as u might guess through his legs aswell O Driscoll got to the ball before the on-rushing keeper and popped it past him. Ehhhhhhhhhh sickkkk!!! Rory then decided to score another one to make it five and give him his hat-trick(feel free to comment below if U do remember detail). Webz then continued his fine scoring run as he latched onto a Browne cross shot to slide the ball home and make it 6-1 to the Cucumbers. David W then topped off another fine performance in the Tongolese colours, having possession about 14.7 yards out on the right, he smashed a beautiful placed shot into the top of the net, then proceeded to do a comical/acrobatic/career threatening flip onto his back while no doubt shouting ZOOOOOOOOO... He came off soon afterwards but the game was over anyway and Balaga won it 7-2. With all the excitement I cant even remember the 2nd Mercer goal!

So Browne got 3 goals and at least 3 assists and even if he only played that game should retain the MVP award. But all credit couldn't go to the stand out player as all the Balaga stars had excellent games O Callaghan and Parker were ripping shreds out of ankles and not giving anyone time on the ball, Parker got a yellow for one such late challenge. Skinty was superb and solid as a rock in his Balaga debut. Damo Kennedy was brilliant despite finding out his Balaga career could be under threat due to contract finance difficulties. Duggan in his cape cod testimonial was solid as ever, probably would of scored if he wasn't hampered by the gods trying to kill his ankles. Then David W , O Driscoll and Webz all worked their socks off and got the goals they deserved.... AWESOME.

Elsewhere in the league the Cowboys put 6 past Premier Auto, Douglas Mortgage beat Balaga Tongos next opponents Bare-Arse 5-3 and old rivals the Upsetters got a 3-2 victory over Rosies keeping them top of the table by 1 GD. This leaves the table as follows before gameweek 4...


And as mentioned Balagas fourth game is against Bare-Arse-elona, an unknown quantity in the league, but if the Mercer game was anything to go by, and Balaga come out with thte same spirit, there will be no problems in despatching them!!! PS thanks Philip for telling me what happened!